Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My new favorite headline
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.