7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince