me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
You Might Also Like
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.