You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs