I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
You Might Also Like
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”