[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.