[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears