It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.