“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I have a black belt in leather
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.