If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Rambo Rambow
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.