Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
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I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”