Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
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My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Not recommended for beginners.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”