WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
😲 WTF? 😆
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers