Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
so i’m at the stock market right
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project