They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
You Might Also Like
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.