A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Well, this explains it:
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
me after drinking all the wine:
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.