*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.