The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
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Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW