Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I鈥檓 about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I can鈥檛 listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn鈥檛 enjoy the way I sing out loud
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Literally! 馃ぃ #dogs
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I do so love when I鈥檓 not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there鈥檚 something that everyone鈥檚 alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I鈥檓 reading the log on an abandoned ship
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn鈥檛 jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won鈥檛 know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don鈥檛 know either.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids