The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
#Caturday
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
a fate I wish upon no one
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.