I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Driving in Europe vs Canada
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what鈥檚 another way?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
One thing about me, I鈥檓 a clear communicator
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He鈥檚 a pickpocket.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
The 50k lady鈥檚 grandfather left her money that he could鈥檝e spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended