Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Monica just destroyed the internet
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
When your best mate counts as a desk too