Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail