I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
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Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Pringles
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?