This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
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People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Solving a traffic jam
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am