Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.