I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.