The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.