My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…