“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
mathematically impossible
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”