some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
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Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY