My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Netflix: We have Less
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Proofread twice, hang posters once
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Close call…
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.