purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
At least try to make it slightly believable
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
you have three unread messages
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Bill is short for Billiam
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar