The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Would you wear it?
Florida be like…
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice