Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
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Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.