Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.