I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
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Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.