I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Can Happiness buy money?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.