Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
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Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
the short answer to this question
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident