My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
how high up are we talkin’?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.