[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
You Might Also Like
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.