Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.