What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.