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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Breaking news:
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity