I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
You Might Also Like
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers