CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Breaking news:
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”