It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Breaking news:
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing