Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?