Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
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Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me checking my bank balance online.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed