(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.